In London, Oxford University professor James Murray has devised a formula correctly predicting the divorce rate with an accuracy of 94 per cent, whether a couple will spend their lives together or end their marriage in divorce. The researcher kept in touch with 700 couples during using 1 or 2 year intervals over 12 years. He and his team filmed newlyweds discussing contentious issues such as money or sex for 15 minutes, and graded each statement made during their respective turns of speech. Statements with humour or affection were given positive scores, while those with defensiveness or anger were given negative ones. The scores were used to identify whether the relationship was likely to stand the test of time.
We have a formula now!! But it’s easier said than done! Humor does not come naturally to a lot of people. For that matter, how easy is it to focus on someone else and just forget about YOU? How many of us find it difficult to utter these simple words, “Hey, tell me more” when you are in total disagreement with someone else? Lashing out when you want to make your point known, avenge an embarrassing retort, teach someone a lesson, have someone feel the same amount of pain inflicted on you, yelling to intimidate the other party into submission are almost primal responses for many of us. And doing otherwise can be too much of a hill to climb for many. In the EQ classes that I conduct, I have noted that about 70% of people are unconvinced that we can modify behaviour and this is even after a thorough explanation on the elasticity of the brain and it’s ability to be flexible if we put in the required effort. Our brains are evolving continually as we speak. Every thought and feeling causes neurons to fire and new neuro-pathways are created. What if we consciously start thinking in a healthy way by simply listening to audio recordings that focus on the right attitude, values and behavior, reading inspiring and uplifting practical books with How To’s (not the newspapers for heaven’s sake) and then making an effort to practice them? YOU just can’t go on the wrong track if you make an effort to practice what you read and listen to. There must be a starting point and one way to do it is to pick up a simple book with information on how someone did it. I highly recommend Tony Robbin’s first book “Notes From a Friend”. Please go get this. Otherwise, you can always read my book EQ From The Inside Out.
Knowledge Is Not Wisdom
Have you met someone who can dribble on about everything they read, quote phrases and tell stories about their ‘wisdom’ after years of laborious work trawling through the frightening number of books that might make you feel really inferior to even have a chat with them? On hindsight, have you also noticed that a large number of people seem to be well equipped intellectually but can’t seem to allow the information to percolate fully?
I would recommend not just filling your mind with good stuff but taking your time to really embrace it through conscious application with yourself and others. This is where real transformation takes. The person who has a need to show how much he knows doesn’t seems to know how much he actually understands. I admit, I sometimes struggle to practice what I preach and write and I have to remind myself if I am doing what is reflected in my writing otherwise it’s just a mind exercise. Remember Knowledge is not Wisdom. Wise is the man who walks the talk and focusing on ‘Doing’ and importantly ‘Being’ much more than saying.
The path to emotional freedom is not faraway if we learn to let go and believe that it’s possible. Self-help books will tell you that that’s the thing to do but many won’t tell you how because many writers themselves know its important but have never learnt it themselves. It takes a series of exercises and a lot will fall in place. This particular one is about who you plan to be by identifying your passion and what you could immediately choose to do to bring that into fruition. Its by Janet and Chris Attwood. It’s a wonderful starting point for “Being” and knowing ‘Who you want to be’ in your quest to be living the ideal life.
Exercise on Finding Your Passion (Part 1)
1. List 10 things that will make your life and your work ideal. Complete the sentence, “When my life is ideal, I am __________________________”
I am enjoying healthy relationships with my friends and family I am writing to express myself for others to learn I am feeling healthy, fit and energetic. Spending time with those I choose to.
If you are stuck, think of things you absolutely don’t want happening in your life. For e.g. “When my life is ideal, I will never want to experience being in want, complaining and having resentment”. So, turn it around and it should look like this. “When my life is ideal, I will be self sufficient, contented and looking forward to tomorrow.”
2. Think of 4 people who are disenchanted and not passionate about what they do. What do they talk about? Where is their attention focused? How do they treat people?
3. Do you see any of these in yourself? Can you see how these behaviors are stopping you from living a purposeful life?
4. List 5 things you can do in the coming weeks to start changing these behaviors and aligning yourself with Number 1.